The 15 Worst Films of 2017

by

Julien Faddoul

Welcome to the bottom of the barrel of 2017. Of all the films I sat through in this past year, these were the 15 worst. Each placement is accompanied by my original short review.

Enjoy, but please under no circumstances see these movies if you haven’t already.

15. The Dark Tower

The fate of the world all depends on a bunch of boring idiots bla bla bla.

Utter rubbish: Ridiculous themes, incompetent action, bad acting and an incomprehensible plot, peppered with self-referential nods to the author of the source material. Stay away.

d – Nikolaj Arcel 

w – Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinkner, Anders Thomas Jensen, Nikolaj Arcel   (Based on the Novels by Stephen King)

ph – Rasmus Videbæk

pd – Christopher Glass

m – Junkie XL

ed – Alan Edward Bell, Dan Zimmerman

cos – Trish Summerville

p – Stephen King, Brian Grazer, Ron Howard, Akiva Goldsman

Cast: Idris Elba, Matthew McConaughey, Abbey Lee, Katheryn Winnick, Jackie Earle Haley, Tom Taylor, Dennis Haysbert, Alex McGregor, Nicholas Hamilton

14. CHIPS

The adventures of two California Highway Patrol motorcycle officers as they make their rounds on the freeways of Los Angeles.

Putrid screen version of the 80s TV series, peppered with its writer/director's quintessential fratboy humour.

wd – Dax Shepard   (Based on the TV Series by Rick Rosner)

ph – Mitchell Amundsen

pd – Maher Ahmed

m – Fil Eisler

ed – Dan Lebental

cos – Diane Crooke

p –  Ravi D. Mehta, Andrew Panay, Dax Shepard

Cast: Michael Peña, Dax Shepard, Jessica McNamee, Adam Brody, Ryan Hansen, Maya Rudolph, Adam Rodríguez, Justin Chatwin, Kristen Bell, Vincent D'Onofrio, Rosa Salazar, Ben Falcone, Jane Kaczmarek, Richard T. Jones

13. The Mummy

Though safely entombed in a crypt deep beneath the unforgiving desert, an ancient queen whose destiny was unjustly taken from her is awakened in our current day.

Such an abashedly corporate attempt to start (or reboot) a film franchise that there’s hardly room for a movie to exist. The result is sad and pathetic, as one watches everyone involved beg with all their might to be part of the cool kid’s table, most of all its miscast star.

d – Alex Kurtzman

w – David Koepp, Christopher McQuarrie, Dylan Kussman, Jon Spaihts, Alex Kurtzman, Jenny Lumet

ph – Ben Seresin

pd – Jon Hutman, Dominic Watkins

m – Brian Tyler

ed – Gina Hirsch, Paul Hirsch, Andrew Mondshein

p – Sarah Bradshaw, Sean Daniel, Alex Kurtzman, Chris Morgan

Cast: Tom Cruise, Annabelle Wallis, Sofia Boutella, Jake Johnson, Courtney B. Vance, Marwan Kenzari, Russell Crowe

12. The Man Who Invented Christmas

After a series of books have been flopped, Charles Dickens decides to write and self-publish A Christmas Carol.

Garbage, dunderheaded nonsense with a clearly embarrassed cast. It is yet another film about writing that has no comprehension of the actual writing process, basically reducing the writer in question to a clerk, frantically copying down everything that happens around him as a source for his most famous lines.

d – Bharat Nalluri

w – Susan Coyne   (Based on the Book by Les Standiford)

ph – Ben Smithard

pd – Paki Smith

m – Mychael Danna

ed – Stephen O’Connell, Jamie Pearson

cos – Leonie Prendergast

p – Niv Fichman, Vadim Jean, Robert Mickelson, Susan Mullen, Ian Sharples

Cast: Dan Stevens, Christopher Plummer, Jonathan Pryce, Miriam Margolyes, Simon Callow, Morfydd Clark, Ian McNeice, Bill Paterson, Donald Sumpter

11. Kingsman: The Golden Circle

When an attack on the Kingsman headquarters takes place and a new villain rises, Eggsy and Merlin are forced to work together with the American agency known as the Statesman to save the world.

Not as annoyingly imbecilic as the first one, but extremely enervating (at 141 minutes!) with essentially the same beats being repeated and filled to the brim with vacuous subplots. Much of the action is also maladroit.

d – Matthew Vaughn

w – Jane Goldman, Matthew Vaughn   (Based on the Comic Book by Mark Millar, Dave Gibbons)

ph – George Richmond

pd – Darren Gilford

m – Henry Jackman, Matthew Margeson

ed – Eddie Hamilton

cos – Arianne Phillips

p – Adam Bohling, David Reid, Matthew Vaughn

Cast: Colin Firth, Julianne Moore, Taron Egerton, Mark Strong, Halle Berry, Channing Tatum, Jeff Bridges, Pedro Pascal, Elton John, Hanna Alström, Poppy Delevingne

10. Transformers: The Last Knight

In the absence of Optimus Prime, a battle for survival has commenced between the human race and the Transformers.

A bad movie for all the reasons exhibited in the previous installments. Totally incomprehensible.

d – Michael Bay

w – Akiva Goldsman, Art Marcum, Matt Holloway, Ken Nolan

ph – Jonathan Sela

pd – Jeffrey Beecroft

m – Steve Jablonsky

ed – Roger Barton, Adam Gerstel, Debra Neil-Fisher, John Refoua, Mark Sanger, Calvin Wimmer

cos – Lisa Lovaas

p – Ian Bryce, Lorenzo di Bonaventura, Don Murphy, Tom De Santo

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Peter Cullen, Frank Welker, Gemma Chan, John Goodman, Ken Watanabe, John DiMaggio, Jess Harnell, Laura Haddock, Jerrod Carmichael, Josh Duhamel, Anthony Hopkins, Stanley Tucci, Santiago Cabrera

9. Daddy’s Home 2

Brad and Dusty must deal with their intrusive fathers during the holidays.

Heinous, unfunny sequel; strictly for those who enjoy basking in Gibson’s unassailable love for himself, which is a category that I, alas, don’t fall into.

d – Sean Anders

w – Sean Anders, John Morris

ph – Julio Macat

pd – Clayton Hartley

m – Michael Andrews

ed – Brad Wilhite

cos – Carol Ramsey

p – Will Ferrell, Chris Henchy, Adam McKay, Kevin J. Messick, John Morris

Cast: Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, John Lithgow, Mel Gibson, Linda Cardellini, John Cena, Alessandra Ambrosio, Owen Vaccaro, Scarlett Estevez

8. Flatliners

Five medical students, obsessed by what lies beyond the confines of life, embark on a daring experiment: by stopping their hearts for short periods, each triggers a near-death experience - giving them a firsthand account of the afterlife.

A moronic 1990’s film – with a nonsense premise – is remade into an excruciating 2017 film, with virtually the same beats. Please, just don’t.  

d – Niels Arden Oplev

w – Ben Ripley, Peter Filardi

ph – Eric Kress

pd – Niels Sejer

m – Nathan Barr

ed – Tom Elkins

cos – Jenny Gering

p – Michael Douglas, Laurence Mark, Peter Safran

Cast: Ellen Page, Diego Luna, Nina Dobrev, James Norton, Kiersey Clemons, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlotte McKinney

7. The Space Between Us

A young man raised by scientists on Mars returns to Earth to find his father.

A movie so torturously stupid that it even forgets its own red herrings. The filmmakers here seem to have plighted in constructing images and sounds that somewhat resemble a “movie”, but pragmatically it belies such characterization. Much like its main character, this is a movie from Mars.

d – Peter Chelsom

w – Allan Loeb

ph – Barry Peterson

pd – Kirk M. Petruccelli

m – Andrew Lockington

ed – David Moritz

cos – Christopher Lawrence

p – Richard Barton Lewis

Cast: Asa Butterfield, Britt Robertson, Carla Gugino, BD Wong, Gary Oldman, Janet Montgomery

6. The Only Living Boy in New York

A young man learns that his overbearing father is having an affair. The son tries to stop it, only to be seduced by the older woman as well.

Evidently this is someone’s idea of what a dignified emotional drama is supposed to be…Even aliens who have never seen a piece of cinema before would conclude that this is an embarrassing, trite, jerk-off fest depicting no discernible realistic situations or characters, human or otherwise.

d – Marc Webb

w – Allan Loeb

ph – Stuart Dryburgh

m – Rob Simonsen

ed – Tim Streeto

cos – Michelle Matland

p – Albert Berger, Ron Yerxa

Cast: Callum Turner, Jeff Bridges, Kate Beckinsale, Pierce Brosnan, Cynthia Nixon, Kiersey Clemons, Tate Donovan

5. The Book of Henry

A boy named Henry has a crush on Christina, the daughter of an abusive Police Commissioner. To keep her safe Henry comes up with a rescue plan. Henry’s mother, Susan, decides to help him carry out this plan…or whatever.

Breathtakingly bad. Almost delightful in its abysmal awfulness if it weren’t so offensive to one’s intelligence. It’s rare to find as staunch a commitment to such nonsensical business. Render it as a comedy, then it’s a masterpiece. But I doubt that’s what Trevorrow had in mind.

d – Colin Trevorrow

w – Gregg Hurwitz

ph – John Schwartzman

pd – Kalina Ivanov

m – Michale Giacchino

ed – Kevin Stitt

cos – Melissa Toth

p – Carla Hacken, Jenette Kahn, Sidney Kimmel, Adam Richman

Cast: Naomi Watts, Jaeden Lieberher, Jacob Tremblay, Sarah Silverman, Dean Norris, Lee Pace, Maddie Ziegler, Tonya Pinkins, Bobby Moynihan, Joel Garland

4. Baywatch

Devoted lifeguard Mitch Buchannon butts-heads with a brash new recruit. Together, they uncover a local criminal plot that threatens the future of the Bay.

Truly horrible: Unfunny, repulsively shot (with hideous CG greenscreen), a confused tone and a cast each giving their worst performances of their careers, particularly the two stars. Stay the hell away.

d – Seth Gordon

w – Jay Scherick, David Ronn, Thomas Lennon, Robert Ben Garant, Damian Shannon, Mark Swift   (Based on the TV Series Created by Michael Berk, Douglas Schwartz, Gregory J. Bonann)

ph – Eric Steelberg

pd – Shepherd Frankel

m – Christopher Lennertz

ed – Peter S. Elliot

cos – Dayna Pink

p – Michael Berk, Gregory J. Bonann, Beau Flynn, Ivan Reitman, Douglas Schwartz

Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Rohrbach, Priyanka Chopra, Ilfenesh Hadera, Rob Huebel, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, John Cenatiempo

3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Captain Jack Sparrow searches for the trident of Poseidon.

An already utterly boring series of films has reached here an even lower level of dullness. Not only does it contain zero originality, but nadir fun and excitement. The most concerning aspect here is Depp, who now delivers his lines and expressions with so little energy and dignity that it’s laughable.

d – Joachim Rønning, Espen Sandberg

w – Jeff Nathanson, Terry Rossio   (Based on the Characters Created by Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, Stuart Beattie, Jay Wolpert)

ph – Paul Cameron

pd – Nigel Phelps

m – Geoff Zanelli

ed – Roger Barton, Leigh Folsom Boyd

cos – Penny Rose

p – Jerry Bruckheimer

Cast: Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario, Geoffrey Rush, Kevin McNally, Stephen Graham, Golshifteh Farahani, David Wenham, Orlando Bloom, Martin Klebba

2. The Greatest Showman

A musical retelling of the career of PT Barnum.

A cultural object so deranged, so befuddling, so aggressively unappealing that one will certainly depart with more questions than they had upon arrival. As a Barnum biopic the film is 99% fraudulent – characterizing him as some kind of champion for outsiders or whatever – and as a musical it is 100% inept, with boorish songs and a cast and director totally at sea as to the difference between cinema and television advertisements. Truly gross, and something that needs to be seen to be believed.

d – Michael Gracey

w – Jenny Bicks, Bill Condon

ph – Seamus McGarvey

pd – Nathan Crowley

m – John Debney, Joseph Trapanese

ed – Tom Cross, Robert Duffy, Joe Hutshing, Michael McCusker, Jon Poll, Spencer Susser

cos – Ellen Mirojnick

p – Peter Chernin, Laurence Mark, Jenno Topping

Cast: Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron, Michelle Williams, Rebecca Ferguson, Zendaya, Keala Settle

1. Beauty and the Beast

A remake of an animated film made and released by The Walt Disney Company in 1991.

A critic-proof film through and through. To those who follow my writing, what is there left for me to say about a concoction such as this? Would it affect you for me to say that transposing an animated masterpiece to another medium and recreating it, at times shot-for-shot, is utterly pointless? Maybe. Would it do the world any good for me to point out how unethical that is for the hundreds of artists who spent years generating said masterpiece frame-by-frame whose work has been plagiarized? Perhaps. Would it sway you for me to state that the filmmakers behind this version have justified such behavior by adding another 40 minutes to the runtime with additional songs and plot elements that are all uniformly bad? It might. Would you find any point in my impression that in a full-scale musical containing some of the best songs ever written, no actual singing is ever heard outside of the audio processing provided by Auto-tune? Possibly. But judging from the box-office receipts that have collected after only a month, it is clear that you, dear readers, have already decided whether to participate in such solecism or not (as well as the rest of Disney’s plan involving the live-action appropriation of their own animated classics). All I can do is provide my perspective of the experience in question. For me, this film is disgusting, cynical, anti-audience and anti-art, and it saddened me deeply.

d – Bill Condon

w – Stephen Chbosky, Evan Spiliotopoulos

ph – Tobias A. Schliessler

pd – Sarah Greenwood

m – Alan Menken

ed – Virginia Katz

cos – Jacqueline Durran

p – David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman

Cast: Emma Watson, Dan Stevens, Luke Vans, Josh Gad, Kevin Kline, Hattie Morahan, Ewan McGregor, Ian McKellen, Emma Thompson, Nathan Mack, Audra McDonald, Stanley Tucci, Gugu Mbatha-Raw

(Dis)Honourable Mentions

A Bad Moms Christmas

Bright

The Bye Bye Man

The Emoji Movie

The Fate and the Furious

Geostorm

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

Home Again

The House

Just Getting Started

Justice League

The Last Face

Monster Trucks

The Mountain Between Us

Murder on the Orient Express

Pottersville

Power Rangers

Rough Night

Snatched

Tulip Fever