Julien Faddoul
Welcome to the bottom of the barrel of 2018. Of all the films I sat through this past year, these were the 10 worst. Each placement is accompanied by my original short review.
Enjoy, but please under no circumstances see these movies if you haven’t already.
15. Wonder Park
A girl whose mother is sick dreams up an amusement park that magically comes to life.
Abysmal animated feature (the second effort from Paramount Animation) that leans on every annoying banality in the children’s film book, clearly designed with the sole objective of branding through merchandise and spin-offs. It is only notable for being an incredibly rare example of containing no Director credit, due to Brown being terminated for multiple accusations of sexual misconduct over a year before the film’s release. The irony of such a corporate piece of entertainment having no credited artistic leader is certainly apt.
d – N/A [Dylan Brown]
w – Robert Gordon, Josh Appelbaum, André Nemec
ph – Juan García González
pd – Fred Warter
m – Steven Price
ed – Edie Ichioka
p – Kendra Haaland, Josh Appelbaum, André Nemec
Cast: Brianna Denski, Matthew Broderick, Jennifer Garner, Sofia Mali, Kenan Thompson, Ken Jeong, Mila Kunis, John Oliver, Norbert Leo Butz, Kath Soucie
14. The Intruder
A young married couple buy a house on several acres of land only to find out that the man they bought it from refuses to let go of the property.
One of the dumbest psychological thrillers ever made with nonsensical behaviour from every major character, no effective scares, a lacklustre plot twist and a weirdly hypocritical attitude toward guns.
d – Deon Taylor
w – David Loughery
ph – Daniel Pearl
pd – Andrew Neskoromny
m – Geoff Zanelli
ed – Melissa Kent
cos – Seth Chernoff
p – Roxanne Avent, Brad Kaplan, Jonathan Schwartz, Deon Taylor
Cast: Dennis Quaid, Meagan Good, Joseph Sikora, Michael Ealy, Lili Sepe, Debs Howard, Alvina August, Lee Shorten, Carolyn Anderson
13. Aladdin
A live-action retelling of the 1992 Disney film of the same name.
When will these Disney remakes end? The lachrymose that they induce is becoming too much to bear. I have nothing new to add that wasn’t already covered here or here. Whenever I walk past the ticket usher and into the cinema to experience another one of these, I often think of something Elliott Smith once wrote: “Two tickets torn in half and a lot of nothing to do. Do you miss me, miss misery, like you say you do”?
d – Guy Ritchie
w – John August, Guy Ritchie
ph – Alan Stewart
pd – Gemma Jackson
m – Alan Menken
m – Howard Ashman, Tim Rice, Benj Pasek, Justin Paul
ed – James Herbert
cos – Michael Wilkinson
p – Jonathan Eirich, Dan Lin
Cast: Mena Massoud, Naomi Scott, Will Smith, Marwan Kenzari, Navid Negahban, Nasim Pedrad, Billy Magnussen, Alan Tudyk, Frank Welker, Numan Acar, Robby Haynes, Nina Wadia
12. Hellboy
Hellboy comes to England, where he must defeat Nimue, Merlin’s consort and the Blood Queen.
Dreadful, joyless and witless; production problems clearly evident on-screen; from a director whose always suffered from imagination poverty.
d – Neil Marshall
w – Andrew Cosby (Based on the Comic Book by Mike Mignola)
ph – Lorenzo Senatore
pd – Paul Kirby
m – Benjamin Wallfisch
ed – Martin Bernfeld
cos – Stephanie Collie
p – Lawrence Gordon, Carl Hampe, Lloyd Levin, Matthew O'Toole, Mike Richardson, John Thompson, Les Weldon, Philip Westgren
Cast: David Harbour, Milla Jovovich, Ian McShane, Daniel Dae Kim, Sasha Lane, Penelope Mitchell, Brian Gleeson, Sophie Okonedo, Alistair Petrie, Thomas Haden Church, Kristina Klebe, Ashley Edner, Douglas Tait, Vanessa Eichholz, Mario de la Rosa, Atanas Srebrev, Stephen Graham
11. It Chapter Two
27 years after overcoming the malevolent supernatural entity Pennywise, the former members of the Losers’ Club, who have grown up and moved away from Derry, are brought back together by a devastating phone call.
Interminable, loud and altogether sluggish scarefest that relies on so many of the tired and trite motifs that I have railed against in the past, including the ersatz treatment of sexual marginalization to gain sympathy, a distracting use of computer graphics to age down its actors, a maddening misconception of what is scary with what is gross and a serialization of the narrative that adds nothing but length. Naturally, its opening weekend broke box-office records.
d – Andy Muschietti
w – Gary Dauberman (Based on the Novel by Stephen King)
ph – Checco Varese
pd – Paul D. Austerberry
m – Benjamin Wallfisch
ed – Jason Ballantine
cos – Luis Sequeira
p – Roy Lee, Dan Lin, Barbara Muschietti
Cast: James McAvoy, Jessica Chastain, Bill Hader, James Ransone, Jay Ryan, Isaiah Mustafa, Andy Bean, Bill Skarsgård, Xavier Dolan, Teach Grant, Jess Weixler, Will Beinbrink, Jaeden Martell, Sophia Lillis, Finn Wolfhard
10. Dark Phoenix
Another X-Men movie...
Dull and, at times, fairly embarrassing piece of comic book absurdity that relies so heavily on the presumption that the world worships this universe of characters to the point of utter vacuum.
wd – Simon Kinberg (Based on the Comic Book by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby)
ph – Mauro Fiore
pd – Claude Paré
m – Hans Zimmer
ed – Lee Smith
cos – Daniel Orlandi
p – Todd Hallowell, Simon Kinberg, Hutch Parker, Lauren Shuler Donner
Cast: Sophie Turner, James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain, Nicholas Hoult, Evan Peters, Tye Sheridan, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Alexandra Shipp, Lamar Johnson, Kota Eberhardt
9. Godzilla: King of the Monsters
A cryptozoological agency faces off against a battery of god-sized monsters, including Godzilla, who collides with Mothra, Rodan and Ghidorah.
Utterly inept, with no sense of stakes, character motivation or forward momentum. Just a tiresome blur of colour and noise.
d – Michael Dougherty
w – Max Borenstein, Michael Dougherty, Zach Shields
ph – Lawrence Sher
pd – Scott Chambliss
m – Bear McCreary
ed – Roger Barton, Bob Ducsay, Richard Pearson
cos – Louise Mingenbach
p – Alex Garcia, Jon Jashni, Mary Parent, Brian Rogers, Thomas Tull
Cast: Kyle Chandler, Vera Farmiga, Millie Bobby Brown, Ken Watanabe, Sally Hawkins, Bradley Whitford, Charles Dance, Zhang Ziyi, O'Shea Jackson Jr, Thomas Middleditch, Aisha Hinds, David Strathairn, Anthony Ramos, Randy Havens, Jonathan Howard, Elizabeth Ludlow, Van Marten, Lexi Rabe, TJ Storm, Jason Liles, Richard Dorton, Alan Maxson, Joe Morton, CCH Pounder
The surviving Resistance faces the First Order once more in the final chapter of the Skywalker saga.
The outcome of an anguished cultural democracy, clearly designed to appease a fanbase that wants to soak in nostalgia and nothing else. The result is an epic, garbled mess, playing as a series of box-checking salutes to previous installments, with characters spending most of their time recounting what just happened in the previous scene. This is movie-making with a giant tail wagging a tiny dog; with artlessness being less of an unfortunate consequence and more the proud, explicit ambition.
d – JJ Abrams
w – Chris Terrio, JJ Abrams, Derek Connolly, Colin Trevorrow
ph – Dan Mindel
pd – Rick Carter, Kevin Jenkins
m – John Williams
ed – Maryann Brandon, Stefan Grube
cos – Michael Kaplan
p – JJ Abrams, Kathleen Kennedy, Michelle Rejwan
Cast: Adam Driver, Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, Anthony Daniels, Naomi Ackie, Domhnall Gleeson, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Richard E. Grant, Lupita Nyong'o, Keri Russell, Joonas Suotamo, Kelly Marie Tran, Ian McDiarmid, Billy Dee Williams, Richard Bremmer, Dave Chapman, Jeff Garlin, Greg Grunberg, Brian Herring, Billie Lourd, Nasser Memarzia, Dominic Monaghan, Simon Paisley Day, Matt Smith, Jimmy Vee
The MIB tackle their biggest threat to date: a mole in the Men in Black organization.
A plodding installment in a franchise nobody cares about that is totally devoid of fun or invention.
d – F. Gary Gray
w – Matt Holloway, Art Marcum (Based on the Characters by Lowell Cunningham)
ph – Stuart Dryburgh
pd – Charles Wood
m – Chris Bacon, Danny Elfman
ed – Zene Baker, Christian Wagner, Matt Willard
cos – Penny Rose
p – Laurie MacDonald, Walter F. Parkes
Cast: Chris Hemsworth, Tessa Thompson, Liam Neeson, Rebecca Ferguson, Emma Thompson, Rafe Spall, Kumail Nanjiani, Jess Radomska, Viktorija Faith, Ania Sowinski, Andy Beckwith, Stephen Wight
6. Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw
A spinoff of The Fate of the Furious, focusing on Johnson’s US Diplomatic Security Agent Luke Hobbs forming an unlikely alliance with Statham’s Deckard Shaw.
So asinine in so many ways: Bad action, nonsensical plotting, crass jokes and two insufferably smug lead performances.
d – David Leitch
w – Chris Morgan, Drew Pearce (Based on the Characters Created by Gary Scott Thompson)
ph – Jonathan Sela
pd – David Scheunemann
m – Tyler Bates
ed –
cos – Sarah Evelyn Bram
p – Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, Chris Morgan, Hiram Garcia
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, Idris Elba, Vanessa Kirby, Eiza González, Eddie Marsan, Stephanie Vogt, David Mumeni, Axel Nu, Lampros Kalfuntzos, Leati Joseph Anoaʻi, Kevin Hart, Ryan Reynolds, Rob Delaney, Cliff Curtis, Helen Mirren, Eliana Su’a, Lori Pelenise Tuisano, Daniel Bernhardt
5. Shaft
John Shaft Jr, a cyber security expert with a degree from MIT, enlists his family's help to uncover the truth behind his best friend's untimely death.
Gross and confused, turning a seminal character of blaxploitation cinema into an intolerant sitcom puppet. Why?
d – Tim Story
w – Kenya Barris, Alex Barnow (Based on the Novel by Ernest Tidyman)
ph – Larry Blanford
ad – Jeremy Woolsey
m – Christopher Lennertz
ed – Peter S. Elliot
cos – Olivia Miles
p – John Davis
Cast: Jessie Usher, Samuel L. Jackson, Richard Roundtree, Alexandra Shipp, Regina Hall, Matt Lauria, Avan Jogia, Lauren Vélez, Method Man, Tashiana Washington
4. Joker
During the 1980s, a failed stand-up comedian is driven insane and turns to a life of crime and chaos in New York Ci-- I mean Gotham City.
A con, and a fairly hostile one at that. A film with the sole purpose of sucking up to both enlightened liberals and those of whom that have not experienced an adulthood that didn’t involve the canonizing of infantile comic book characters, but did involve the vital character studies by Martin Scorsese from the 70s and 80s; surreptitiously and shamefully trying to blur the lines between the two groups. Phoenix gives a committed but ultimately mannered and unconvincing performance. This is the kind of rubbish that hustlers can pull when an audience is so starved for basic craftsmanship and is so unaware of anything that might have been prominent before the age and climate that they live within.
d – Todd Phillips
w – Todd Phillips, Scott Silver (Based on the Characters Created by Bob Kane, Bill Finger, Jerry Robinson
ph – Lawrence Sher
pd – Mark Friedberg
m – Hildur Guðnadóttir
ed – Jeff Groth
cos – Mark Bridges
p – Todd Phillips, Bradley Cooper, Emma Tillinger Koskoff
Cast: Joaquin Phoenix, Robert De Niro, Zazie Beetz, Frances Conroy, Brett Cullen, Shea Whigham, Bill Camp, Glenn Fleshler, Leigh Gill, Josh Pais, Marc Maron, Sondra James, Murphy Guyer, Douglas Hodge, Dante Pereira-Olson, Brian Tyree Henry, Sharon Washington
3. Last Christmas
A haphazard woman working as an elf in a Christmas department store falls for a handsome man who seems too good to be true.
Bonkers, ludicrously plotted romantic comedy, depicting no recognizable human traits or behaviour, and with a twist ending that is both utterly laughable and wholly foreseeable to anyone familiar with the pop songs of George Michael.
d – Paul Feig
w – Emma Thompson, Bryony Kimmings, Greg Wise
ph – John Schwartzman
pd – Gary Freeman
m – Theodore Shapiro
ed – Brent White
cos – Renee Ehrlich Kalfus
p – Emma Thompson, Jessie Henderson, David Livingstone, Erik Baiers
Cast: Emilia Clarke, Henry Golding, Emma Thompson, Michelle Yeoh, Patti LuPone, Rob Delaney, Lydia Leonard, Sue Perkins, Peter Mygind, Rebecca Root
2. The Lion King
Photorealistic CG remake of The Lion King (1994).
Disgusting on every conceivable level, including the aethstetic one. Greed and sycophantic subversion are the only themes that resonate onscreen. As a work of plagiarism, it’s expectedly as egregious an artistic atrocity as Disney has committed yet, with many sequences rendered shot-for-shot, line-for-line from the 1994 film. Kind of ironic for a work that preaches the circle of life. At the same time, it’s probably the cinematic apotheosis for our present times: many erudite viewers will acknowledge a similarity between Scar/The Hyenas and another current would-be-dictator with a pack of henchmen who profess vile tenets (though Favreau is careful to tread lightly here.) But this is really a story of corporate manipulation on the flock of idiotic sheep that are modern civilian audiences who just don’t give a damn. This is the umpteenth Disney remake so none of this was a surprise, but this is certainly one of the saddest cinematic experiences I’ve ever been subjected to.
d – Jon Favreau
w – Jeff Nathanson
ph – Caleb Deschanel
pd – James Chinlund
m – Hans Zimmer
ed – Adam Gerstel, Mark Livolsi
p – Jon Favreau, Jeffrey Silver, Karen Gilchrist
Cast: Donald Glover, Beyoncé Knowles, James Earl Jones, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Alfre Woodard, John Oliver, John Kani, Seth Rogen, Billy Eichner, Eric André, Florence Kasumba, Keegan-Michael Key, JD McCrary Shahadi Wright Joseph
1. Pokémon Detective Pikachu
In a world where people collect pocket-size monsters (Pokémon) and treat them like cockfighters, a boy comes across one that can talk and seeks to be a detective.
As cynical and disturbing an example of current studio cinema as one could encounter: Yet again another movie designed to indoctrinate the idiot seals – who in the case are apparently children of the 90s – to slap their fins in unison at the altar that is the never-ending ouroboros of corporate nostalgia. Judging from the first week of receipts, it worked. The plot is a rip-off of Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988), the dialogue is embarrassing, the performances are uncomfortable, the sound design is screeching and the visuals look like vomit.
d – Rob Letterman
w – Dan Hernandez, Benji Samit, Rob Letterman, Derek Connolly, Nicole Perlman (Based on the Characters Created by Satoshi Tajiri, Ken Sugimori, Junichi Masuda)
ph – John Mathieson
pd – Nigel Phelps
m – Henry Jackman
ed – Mark Sanger, James Thomas
cos – Suzie Harman
p – Satoshi Tajiri, Thomas Tull, Ali Mendes
Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Justice Smith, Kathryn Newton, Bill Nighy, Ken Watanabe, Chris Geere, Suki Waterhouse, Josette Simon, Alejandro De Mesa, Rita Ora, Karan Soni, Max Fincham
(Dis)Honourable Mentions
Adam
The Aftermath
The Angry Birds Movie 2
Annabelle Comes Home
The Art of Racing in the Rain
Avengers: Endgame
Breakthrough
Captain Marvel
Cats
A Dog's Journey
Fighting With My Family
Glass
The Goldfinch
Good Boys
Judy
A Madea Family Reunion
Miss Bala
Pet Sematary
Playing with Fire
Rambo: Last Blood
Serenity
Spider-Man: Far From Home
Stuber
Tolkien
Unplanned
Yesterday
Zombieland: Double Tap
