Tuesday, 4 February 2014

The Worst Films of 2013

Julien Faddoul

Forgive the lateness, but the 2nd Annual Cinema Touch Awards will be completed and announced at the end of February, once everything is in order. Until then, as we enter 2014, these were the top ten worst films I saw in 2013.

Please enjoy (although you shouldn’t see any of these movies).


Safe Haven

A young woman with a mysterious past lands in Southport, North Carolina where her bond with a widower forces her to confront the dark secret that haunts her.
Of all the movies on this list, this one is the funnest to deride. It seems every year these Nicholas Spark's adaptations keep getting worse. For some reason, when actors read these scripts they begin to lose all understanding of natural human behaviour and we are always left with something that is sour and sugary at the same time. Plus, the ending of this movie is such a brick wall of stupid that it will give you a nose-bleed.



A feature documentary on formative personal and professional experiences in the life of writer J.D. Salinger.
By far the year's worst documentary. No movie this year was less respectful and most misunderstood its subject. Using badly filmed recreations and talking-head interviews that offer no new information, the film, in an attempt to lionize the life and brilliant work of J.D. Salinger, ends up preaching the exact opposite of what he was about. He abhorred what was phony; this movie is phony.


1000 years in the future, an international combat force known as the Rangers systematizes the mass migration of a contaminated, uninhabitable Earth.
After Earth is like chewing gum. It is vapour. It enters the mind as air and just as dispiritingly leaves as air. It is a 107-minute vanity project from both its senior and junior star and yet it isn't even interesting enough to ridicule.


In the year 2154, where the very wealthy live on a man-made space station while the rest of the population resides on a ruined Earth, a man takes on a mission that could bring equality to the polarized worlds.
Politically facile, visually cheap, repugnantly acted and incomprehensibly directed. A film that completely lacks any sense of itself, in both tenor and plot. 2013 gave us a laundry list of glib blockbusters, but in year that included Oblivion, Man of Steel and Jack the Giant Slayer, Elysium was most certainly the dumbest.


As the Nazis begin their dominance, a young German girl finds solace by stealing books and sharing them with others. As the Nazis begin their dominance, a young German girl finds solace by stealing books and sharing them with others.
A shockingly stupid piece of period cinema: A movie narrated by Death that compares the horrors of the Holocaust with illiteracy. It’s as if World War II is seen from Mars, with various depictions and situations lacking any historical sense. It consistently insults the audience’s intelligence while it suffocates in it own manufactory. It makes The Reader (2008) look like Shoah (1985).


Another summer of antics
One – and many have – could make the claim that Adam Sandler has made a film that is pro-hate, anti-woman and anti-gay. I think that better describes That's My Boy than Grown-Ups 2. What Grown-Ups 2 gives us is a film starring some of the funniest human beings alive who can't deliver a single joke. Not once. To me, a comedy that isn't funny is worse than any of the above.


Kick-Ass 2

After Kick-Ass’ insane bravery inspires a new wave of self-made masked crusaders, he joins a patrol led by the Colonel Stars and Stripes.
A terribly confused movie: A film more interested in aping the violence of other movies (a dog that chomps penises and so forth) than in any form of superhero irony that it remains stranded between the worlds of fantasy and reality, with the worst ensemble cast of the year.


Identity Thief

When a mild-mannered businessman learns his identity has been stolen, he hits the road in an attempt to foil the thief.
A vile, cruel wallow in pandering to the lowest common denominator. The only calculation one could make of it being a comedy is that the main character is fat. Also, no one looked like they were having a more forlorn time filming than McCarthy and Bateman.


The Internship

Two recently laid-off men in their 40s try to make it as interns at a Google where their managers are in their 20s.
An evil piece of filmmaking: A multi-billion dollar corporation using the beauty of the cinema to concoct a 2-hour advertisement for itself. If we can all agree that that's what this movie is, then we must all agree that subjecting people to pay money to see it is against the law. The Internship belongs in movie jail for crimes against humanity.


An entry-level employee at a powerful corporation finds himself occupying a corner office in exchange for spying on his boss's old mentor to secure for him a multi-billion dollar advantage.
Rarely in my movie-going excursions do I encounter a movie that is so incompetent, so absurd, so artless in every department that it doesn't even understand its one-word title. First of all, no one in Paranoia is paranoid…that's basically it. How do you make that mistake? Liam Hemsworth gives the single worst performance of the year as a guy who clacks on computer keyboards and takes his shirt off, Amber Heard smiles and nods, and Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford chew the scenery to shreds. Paranoia is a movie with an abundance of plot devices but no plot, so nothing makes any logical sense. Going into it too much would not at all be fun (for me at least). Suffice it to say that Paranoia is agonizingly stupid in every division and others that have not yet been discovered.

(Dis)Honourable Mentions:

Closed Circuit
Dead Man Down
Delivery Man
A Good Day to Die Hard
The Host
Jack the Giant Slayer
Man of Steel
The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
One Direction: This is Us
Oz the Great and Powerful
We’re the Millers

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