by
Julien Faddoul
Welcome to the bottom of the barrel of 2015. Of all the
films I sat through in this past year, these were the 15 worst. Each film is
accompanied by a link to my original review.
Enjoy, but please under no circumstances see these movies if
you haven’t already.
15. Alvin and
the Chipmunks: The Road Chip
I called this film in my review a punishment no kid deserves
no matter how insubordinate. Judging by a drop in box office numbers, this
should hopefully be the last one.
14. Miss You
Already
Truly insufferable breast cancer movie with some of the
hammiest, least-convincing performances of the year by Barrymore and Collette.
I still find Catherine Hardwicke's success as a director to be completely
baffling.
13. Kingsman:
The Secret Service
Ditto for Matthew Vaughn who truly is a hack and half. This
film went on to gross more $400 million worldwide and many of its fans tried
to explain their love through psychoanalytical bullshit. The movie is garbage.
12. The Last
Five Years
A film no one saw and with good reason. All it did was heighten
the intellectual fallacy of its source material.
11. Chappie
An absolute slog. Not only does Blomkamp struggle with
coherency, but also at the basic task of holding one's attention.
10. Paul
Blart: Mall Cop 2
One of those slapstick "comedies" that is less
funny than any 2 minute YouTube clip of someone getting hit in the face.
9. Pixels
A soul-sucking ordeal. Its offensiveness comes in the form
of both lazy/mean jokes and a reliance on 80's nostalgia.
8. Fantastic 4
The year's most infamous fiasco, taking a loss of $90
million. I'd go lighter on it if I didn't live with the reminiscence of having
sat through it.
7. Hot
Pursuit
Loud and brain-dead. I contemplated a lifestyle change
during my review of this one.
6. Get Hard
Disgustingly narrow-minded comedy that makes only one joke
over and over and over again.
5. Trainwreck
Some will dispute this. A film that was beloved by many that
I found to be a complete con-job and a horribly offensive one. It's the worst
kind of film: One that takes on an agenda as its emblem (feminism, in this
case) and uses a mixture of fawning at educated liberals and judgment of the uncultivated
and expects its audience to follow its viewpoint around like dogs for fear of
feeling stupid.
4. Vacation
The year's worst and most unnecessary remake. Scatology,
vomit and Ed Helms is not a good combination people.
3. No Escape
The year's most xenophobic film. Its depiction and treatment
of Southeast Asians was for me the single most uncomfortable portraiture to sit
through in a year that also included Black
or White and The Water Diviner.
2. Pan
Although I have placed this at number 2, this was actually
the year's most unbearable experience. Every single aspect of this film is
misguided and oppressive, with its hideous aesthetic, obnoxious performances, raucous
music and complete lack of reason for existing. Its once intelligent director
now lives completely inside his own asshole.
1. Entourage
You know, there was a time back in the early 2000s when
people derided and stayed away from movies based on TV shows, like The Real Cancun or The Dukes of Hazzard. Why pay for something you can watch for free,
right? It's what 21 Jump Street mocked
so well.
But now in the era where cinema and television feel so
blurred to some, people have come to expect them no matter how bad they are, like Sex and the City or The Last Airbender or this moronic, putrid piece of sewage.
Luckily, audiences stayed away and I hope Hollywood learns a valuable lesson.
Dishonorable Mentions
Absolutely Anything
Black or White
The Cobbler
Daddy's Home
Digging for Fire
Hot Tub Time Machine 2
Jupiter Ascending
Live from New York
Minions
Mortdecai
Pitch Perfect 2
The Ridiculous 6
Ruben Guthrie
Seventh Son
Stonewall
Suffragette
Taken 3
Unfinished Business
The Water Diviner
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